I ponder, lots. Some stuff that is serious, some that's frivilous, some that isn't worth pondering. One of my ponderings lately has been "what is my role at StoneWater?" When we started the church I was whatever I needed to be. That included: financial secretary, children's co-director, seamstress, secretary to the pastor, children's worker for whatever area needed it, and some other stuff. Not that I was bothered by any of those things, but none of them felt like "my role" if you know what I mean.
So, once the church grew and I was able to hand off some of my "roles," I did. But, now, I often feel that I'm not "pulling my weight" around the ministry. But, I don't know where I feel called to be. In the past I've wanted to teach something, but I don't at the same time. I don't know what - maybe something on being a wife or mothering - though I feel far from adequate enough to do either of those. I could lead a book study, but I've tried that in the past and was far from stellar. I get too many things going, and one always falls by the wayside. I don't want to do that, but, simply, it's tough to keep up with Jeremy, kids, work, house, etc. Isn't hard for everyone though?
The idea has been expressed that the women of StoneWater would like to "see" and "know" me more. I'm okay with that, I think. I guess it's really part of my struggle and pondering. First, I totally love to be the center of attention in my classroom. I LOVE to entertain my students as I teach them. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE. I can be funny, entertaining, and teach them all at the same time (at least I think so, anyway). I even like to be the center of attention among my co-workers: recognition for a job well done, recognition as a leader, so forth. I don't feel there is anything wrong with any of that. However, when it comes to church...well, I feel like I'm being prideful if I am the center of attention. I mean, I went to school - undergrad & grad - for education, and I know what I'm doing (mostly). But "church stuff" and "spiritual matters," I'm not really trained for. I am TERRIBLE at remembering names and even faces out of context. I definitely want to remain humble because we've all seen what happens to the proud and all the warnings about pride in the Bible. Am I hiding behind that?
Is that it? If so, is my humility really an act of pride? Am I hiding in my insecurity and calling it humility when it's not? How do I step up my role and WHAT is that exactly?
6 comments:
hang in their misti.
I love your "pondering" posts. So often times, I find that you are pondering the same things I am! All I can tell you is that, usually six months after a move, God has shown me where He wants me to work for Him. I haven't seen that yet in this move. So I am praying, praying, praying, for Him to show me where He needs me. Until He shows me, I am sitting still and allowing myself to be fed. I hate doing that and not be working somewhere, too. But I think sometimes He wants us to be still and wait on Him and His perfection.
Um, did you ever think the two of us would be discussing topics so deep? I know I didn't!!! :) Hugs to you!
Misti, I wrote you this long letter last night here and I have looked now and it did not show up, so maybe it was too long. Sorry, Earnestine
Those are great questions. Maybe you need to step out and trust God to fill in the blanks. I think God wants us to have blanks so it's more of Him and less of us. I think you do a great job as the pastors wife. Your number one ministry is your family and you are a great wife and mom.
I love how honest and open you are with this entry. I totally hear you on not knowing your role. I feel like I find myself in that situation a lot. You are an amazing woman, teacher, mom, wife, and friend. You leave such a positive imprint everywhere you go. Don't ever underestimate that.
Listen with your whole heart and you will know what your role is...
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