About Time

I've been in a bit of a spiritual drought for the last few months. My drought has been a result of my running - not the physical running, but me running away from God. Some will find that surprising, after all, I'm married to a pastor.

It all started last spring when I let my circumstances (work) get in the way of my time and relationship with God. I knew He was doing something in the midst of my unhappiness at school, but I was scared to find out what that was. Well, it finally became enough. I'm really good at making changes at the beginning of a school year, and I've been yearning for time with God - like almost physically hurting. I'm also one of those people who is terrible at just sitting down and studying the Bible. So, last week, I ordered Beth Moore's Believing God. It's a study I've kind of done before - about the time I was pregnant with H, this whole church planting thing started, and I had H. Needless to say, with all of that, I don't remember a lot of the study. I do know that I've felt called to do this again since last spring, but I've avoided it. I remember the day I realized that, yes, we were supposed to plant a church was part of what I had studied in Believing God that morning. That was a little disruption to my well ordered, set-up-just-how-I-like-it life (I was working part time in a job share, our income was sufficient to allow for some 'extras') - life was good now I'm supposed to walk away to where NOTHING is certain and I don't know anyone. See why I've been avoiding it - God's going to do something, and sometimes, as wonderful as those things are, they hurt.

So, I sat in church this morning and listened to my husband preach to me. I was the busy girl last year. I neglected my relationships with God, Jer, kids, and friends. I realized this morning that God has taken care of me through it all despite my neglect. Something I gave up (the job share), He has given back to me so that I can re-focus my relationships with Him, my husband, my kids, and my friends. I almost started crying. I almost cry now. Someone asked me this morning, "So how did you manage to get that done?" when I told them about my work. I know that I didn't; it is all God. I am humbled beyond words at this opportunity, so I make this commitment - I will focus on relationships in my life. I will pour my life into other people. That's what exhausted me last year - I retreated into myself to try to make it all work - and it made me miserable. So, I hope my blog becomes more about what God is doing and teaching me...

In other news, Jenna starts school tomorrow. Kindergarten. I broke down crying yesterday while I made pizza for supper as I realized my little girl is going off to the world of school. I know, she's gone to pre-school her whole life, so what's the big deal? It's kindergarten. It's this rite of passage. Jer made the comment last night, "This is the first chance she'll be exposed to someone really hurting her feelings." Thank you. Tears. She's just so vulnerable. She's concerned about friends since all of her pre-school friends are in other classes. I'm worred for her, so I'm afraid my assurances aren't assuring her as they should - like she can spot the weakness in my fears. Plus, I have PMS, so it's even worse that I'm so emotional anyway! I'll be a wreck tomorrow morning.

Anticipating this yesterday, I went to my room to make the final touches - make sure the computer is attached to the projector, papers are set out on the table, everything in place. I'm excited for the year.

see the wheelchair in the center of the above picture? That's Jacqui's for the next 6 weeks - bless her heart. If it looks small, that's because it is - it's a child's chair. She's so petite!